Howdy. Savannah here. For those who might be new, I’m Raine’s alter-ego, the evil twin, the doppleganger, the–yeah, okay the BITCH. :twisted:

Raine and a friend are busy doing agent searches together. It’s a sucky, but necessary, part of the business.

I’ve been listening to them very carefully. And I noticed that, inevitably, whenever one of them hemmed or hawed or hesitated, the other would give a little push, reminding the other, “all they can say is NO.”

Yeah, well, pardonez-moi, but that’s NOT all they can say. And deviant that I am, I came up with a few ideas for OTHER, more INTERESTING responses from agents:

1) “Although your ms was not suitable for our agency, my parakeet Petey is finding it quite useful in lieu of carpetting.” :thumbsup:

2) “In response to your follow-up question as to WHY I passed your ms on to my partner in the agency–it was because I thought it better suited to his current taste. Yes, it’s true that he died some two years ago, so he may be a little slow about responding.” :shock:

3) “Apologies for the lengthy reply time. I’ve been SO busy, I’ve taken to reading mss while sitting on the john. And I assure you that your ms, now before my very eyes, will soon be behind me.” :moon:

4) “Ahhh-ha-ha-haaa!! I love an author with a sense of humor! That made my day! Now I’m waiting with baited breath for your REAL query…”

5) “I found your query to be nearly as impressive as your talent for name-dropping. So you’re the fourth cousin twice-removed of my star author’s hairdresser, eh? Well, it may interest you to know that said author dropped me like a stink bomb two days ago in favor of another agent. Snip, snip.”

6) “Thank you for your interest in our agency. Unfortunately…Oh, hell. I can’t do this anymore. Today is the anniversary of the day I founded this agency. I’ve been placating people for 20 years. And I know my co-workers think my behavior is a result of menopause and a cheating husband–but they’re wrong. Wrong, I tell you! It’s because I’m SICK OF IT! I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!! You! You, with that weapon you call a laptop! Never, EVER send another letter to this address–got it? There will be consequences. I’ve got your return address. I know where you live, lady. Don’t let me have to come after you. And if anything should happen to me–or my poodle–within the next, say, eighty years or so, I’ve got the DNA from the saliva on your envelope in a safe-deposit box, along with a letter to the police! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME??! AM I GETTING THROUGH?????!!! :poof:
And best of luck in placing your work elsewhere, Sincerely…

7) “I have wonderful news! When I read your query, I was moved to shout, ‘Dear God! Jane Austen is turning over in her grave!!’ One of my screenwriters overheard, picked up on the idea–and the resulting slasher/horror movie ‘REVENGE OF THE JANE’ will be released this fall!! Unfortunately, your ms does not suit our needs at this time…”

8) “I regret that your partial submission was in such poor condition when returned to you. I assure you it was not riddled with bullet holes when it left our agency, and we assume no responsibility for the vagaries of the Postal Service (you know how those people are).” :uzi:

9) “Thank you for informing me that I may consider this manuscript disposable. I wholeheartedly agree.”